The Matter of the North
Board of Leyland Tourism
A Proclamation from the Monarchy of Leyland:
Long has Leylish tradition promoted the practice of luring wealthy, gullible foreigners into our hearts and homes in order to rob them blind! We the Monarchy of this great land therefore wish to expand this lucrative business into a statewide enterprise, for the enrichment of all our people.
To that end, we do hereby establish the Board of Leyland Tourism.
We invite Baldawin the Bard, local musician of inexplicable popularity, to be the official Leylish Advertising-Jingle-Composer Laureate. He is tasked with promoting the attractions and products of Leyland for international market; to that end, his dubious musical talents must convince foreigners (against all pleadings of better judgment) that the country of Leyland would be a fine place for a holiday.
We thus entrust our tourist revenue to his propensity for painful rhyme and torturous overuse of metaphor, as amply demonstrated in the sampling below:
In Promotion of Leyland Fizzy
“After the fourth round, you can’t even taste it!”
Fizzy, Fizzy, Leyland Fizzy!
Drink it up until you’re dizzy!
Drink it up ’til you fall down!
Drink it, drink it ’til you drown!
(Repeat chorus ad nauseam, or until someone gets hurt.)
In Promotion of Economic Partnership with Leyland-based Enterprises
“Let’s just say it’s … in your best interest, if you catch my meaning.”
You’ll profit from co-operation
With a Leylander-run corporation!
Just pay a small fee
(Protection ain’t free)
Or we’ll bankroll your defenestration!
In Promotion of Eastern Colonial Leylandburg
“Take a souvenir portrait with your own great-great grandfather!”
I could expound at legendary length:
The beauteous woods, the Fizzy double-strength!
Of ancient roots, and ancient trees in bloom!
Of eras ere “banana” rhymed with “doom”!
Of ancient folk, so rustic and unclean!
Of bookish bums beloved of our Queen!
Experience debauchery and grime
In Leylandburg – the City Lost in Time!