The Matter of the North

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood

A Competition is Announced!

Hear ye, hear ye! By the collaborative efforts of the Leylish Theatre and Cinema Union and the International Order of Anarchist Peasants, a new and fantastical competition is hereby announced:

Pewter, 36-year-old bachelor, Mighty Warrior, Master Craftsman, Apprentice Mage, Champion of the Meiringbury Tournament, soon-to-be Liberator of Teorn, and inspiration for the cultural phenomenon that is Fifty Shades of Pewter, believes that romance is in the air! At long, long last, he has found the strength to mend the pieces of his tragically shattered heart and search for love anew. Yes, Pewter – the Pewter – is seeking out the next love of his life, and you – yes, you – could be the chosen partner of his fate!

A grand Bachelor’s Ball shall be held on Saturday next, following the successful invasion of Teorn (we estimate the festivities to begin at approximately 8:30pm). All contestants shall have the chance to meet and mingle with Pewter at the Bachelor’s Ball; refreshments and entertainment will also be provided, courtesy of the cast and production team of Fifty Shades of Pewter: The Musical! and the Board of Leyland Tourism. At the grand finale of the evening, Pewter will present the rose-red Hammer of Passion to one lucky contestant, thus signaling the start of their new and blissful life together.

Will you be the one to win Pewter’s hammer – and his heart? Find out next Saturday by submitting your application letters to Leyton, Steward of Leyland, at the Queen’s University in Rhuddeil!

Disclaimer: By the specific and emphatic request of Pewter himself, we remind contestants that Fifty Shades of Pewter is a work of fiction or, at best, heavily embellished history. If you cannot distinguish between fact and fiction, please do not apply to attend the Bachelor’s Ball. Altering your appearance to resemble that of the late Prince Nicon or attempting to speak in a stupid fake Northmarcher accent is also highly unlikely to further your suit. Furthermore, if you are foolish enough to request that Pewter sing you the theme from Fifty Shades, we are not responsible for any ensuing bodily harm. You have been warned.

Comments

Swoon!! Oh my Teradon, I can’t believe it I’m going to meet the actual, real-life Pewter! Squeeee!

My name is Chelsee, and I have long curly raven-colored hair and green eyes that sparkle like emeralds. I’ve seen the musical like fifty times and it’s SOOO AMAZINNNG but not as amazing as the book! I have three different copies at home – one that I read, and one that I loan out to friends, and one that’s the Special Collector’s Edition that I’ve never even opened, I just keep it on my shelf in it’s special fade-proof display box OMG I love the cover so much.

My friends and I write fanfiction ALL THE TIME!! Right now I’m working on a 200-chapter series where I rewrite the original book except I gender-flipped Nicon and now he’s a girl named Kelsee who has long curly raven-colored hair and green eyes that sparkle like emeralds.

OMG maybe Pewter wants to read it! I’ll totally bring a copy to the Ball!!!! <3

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Ugh, I can’t believe my mother is forcing me to fill out this stupid application. It’s not like I’m a child anymore!

Anyway, whatever. My name is Rithica, and I’d honestly rather be in my workshop right now, except apparently the amazing Pewter would be “a smart catch for a young woman like you.” Yeah, right. Mother sees one spot of grease on my gloves, and I’m treated to a full lecture on how “it’s unladylike to work in a machine shop” and “you’re practically an old maid” and “this might be your only chance for a good husband.”

Fifty Shades of Pewter is a dreadful book and an even more terrible musical. If Pewter is anything remotely like his fictional counterpart, I flat out refuse to have anything to do with him.

They can make me go to the Ball, but they can’t make me dance.

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Zis is Adalheida von Niconer of Northmarch, and I am most definitely talking vit a fakey Northmarcher accent, ya? I vill dye my hair to be the darkest of black, and endeavor most strenuously to act like ze sneaky and duplicitous twit Prinz Nicon, indeed ya! Glory to Deyluth!

Surely zis vill win me ze heart of ze magnifizent Pewter, once and for all!

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Down with tyrants! Down with oppression! Contests like the Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood glorify the wealth and ostentation of the Bourgeoisie at the expense of the Proletariat upon whose broken backs they are carried!

Pewter may be content to lounge among the decadent halls of luxury, but I, Bernadette of Carlen, shall stand tall and resist!

Liberty and peanuts for all!

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Yeah, um, hi, so, my name’s Carys, and I’m only here because I spilled fizzy on my library books (Which was entirely accidental! Why would I deliberately spill fizzy on Caddick’s Crossplanar Calculations? I need it for my paper!) and Queen Mel told me it was either this or 1,000 hours of community service. And while this sexist, mind-numbing travesty is not on my list of things to do, neither is spending 1,000 hours trying to sort out Leylish currency. So, you do your thing, and I’ll do mine, and we’ll get out of this in one piece, okay? Unless…is it true that you’ve participated in inter-planar travel? In which case…can I get a sample?

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Oh my goodness, it’s really you! I’ve heard so much about you! I’m Phebe. There’s nothing very special about me, but I have sniffle ten siblings to feed and my husband hiccup just passed away. And we were only married for a few months! Such a tragedy!
So I’m a little desperate, you see, and after everything I’ve heard about you, I can’t help but think you’re my last chance to save my family. It’s just, um…how dangerous are these revolts that you start? I mean, how likely is it that you could die? And how much did you say you make in royalties?

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

I, Milo Dyfwethilton, Steward to Princess Mila of Dyfwethil, do hereby submit my name as a candidate for the hand of the illustrious PewteBWAHAHAHAH!! Help, I can’t stop laughing!

I had you there for a minute, didn’t I?!

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Heyyy Pewter, it’s so lovvvely to see you again. Surely you remember me? Most men do (wink!) I’ve been told that I’m one of the most charming women you will ever meet – but being a nymph, I really can’t help it, you know!

To be sure, when we last met, I was chasing after your darling friend Boffin (how is he, by the way? Still married to that disappointment Minerva?) – but I’m sure you’ll do just as well!

-XOXO, Blythe

PS Love FSOP! Such an inspirational novel!

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Oh my god Chelsee you BACKSTABBER!! I thought you were my friend! You know that Pewter is my one true love forever and I was destined to marry him, not you, how could you do something like this!

I regret the day I met you at PewterCon. I can’t believe I helped you with your stupid, derivative “The Crepuscular Umbra of Kelsee,” because your MC is such a Mary Sue and I never told you because I’m a good friend! But we are NOT friends anymore, and I will never beta for you again!

Mark my words, Chelsee, you will pay!!!

- Tiffanee

Note from Leyton to palace security forces: This individual is not an approved Bachelor’s Ball contestant. Please ensure that she is kept off the premises.

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Arf arf woof!

-Shianseri

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Kneel, half-breed! I am Khâmasha. I have heard of your exploits, unbefitting of a male of orc-kind. Your place is to read poetry and cook meat, not fight wars and seek the attentions of human males. If the soundtrack to your musical represents your poetic talents, you shall soon learn silence in my village. You may prove adequate in the kitchen. The position of Fourth Husband is currently available.

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

So…is this where I sign up for the big tournament? I see it says something about marrying Pewter, but the man has become such a parody of himself I really can’t take that seriously. People just have no respect for the dignity of simulated warfare anymore. It will be fun to fight Pewter, though!

—Galena, Princess of Tanbeis

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

In light of recent news of significant political upheaval in your eastern realms, it is only right that Euland should extend a hand of friendship and re-open diplomatic relations with your previously tumultuous region, and I, Safiyah al-Angrol, shall be the one to extend that hand! (And investigate the veracity of numerous peculiar rumours)

I must admit to being unfamiliar with the purpose of this new local festival, (I at least assume it is new, as much else in your realms seem to be, as I can find no reference to it in any of our literature) but understand that representatives from all the new or reorganized kingdoms will be present, and look forward to learning about your customs.

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

I have traveled far from the southern land of Talbazaar, primarily to see for myself all the mechanical wonders coming out of the North these days, but it would be wrong to ignore the fascinating cultural phenomenon that is “50 Shades of Pewter”. Perhaps the two are interconnected, and represent some sort of greater “Northern Renaissance”? In any case I am intrigued by the growth of the Pewter legend, as on my journey I have heard earlier versions of the tale, which simply placed Pewter as a simple folk-hero and smith!

I have to assume this marriage thing is purely symbolic and metaphorical though, right? We can’t actually marry a fictional character after all. And even if whoever was representing “Pewter” was closer to the original stories, I’d much prefer a fellow inventor or engineer to a simple smith.

-Aquilah al-Jazari

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

I am submitting the name of my granddaughter, Mairead Crowley, the eldest daughter of Lord and Lady Griffith, for this contest.
For countless generations the Griffiths have formed our marital unions exclusively among those of noble heritage, but unfortunately my son has not seen fit to provide a male heir, and all the recent wars means that male relations are in regrettably short supply. Our last hope for a suitable heir died in a tragic trans-oceanic voyage, but despite this setback, Griffith Hall simply must be kept in the family. As you are the nearest male heir, despite your…interesting parentage…it nevertheless falls to you to do the necessary thing and marry my granddaughter.
Naturally you will be eager to take advantage of this situation. You would gain connections, a noble title, an estate, and a considerable income. And our Mary knows her duty—she will be a fine wife and mistress of Griffith Hall. Why, you could even leave her in charge whilst you attend to your … escapades … amongst the rabble.
Furthermore, I’ve heard that many of your class consider interpersonal rapport as a prerequisite for matrimonial felicity. I realize Mary has a reputation for being stubborn…and a bluestocking…but I can assure you, such rumors are utterly without foundation!
You really might as well cancel the festivities entirely, Sir Pewter. My granddaughter is the only sensible match of the lot.
—Violette Crowley, Dowager Countess of Griffith

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
 

Hi my name is Safa and my big sister Halima is a ekschange studint at the Yunaversitee Scool here, she is rilly smart but it costs a lot of muney. I found a book abowt you at the Liberry and I red the first chaptir but it was kind of boring and there were a lot of words I didn’t undirstand. Then my sister took it away from me and sed we don’t check out books with nekkid orcs on the cover, I’m not old enuf yet.

I want to meet you becas you are rilly famiss and if I can have a signatchure awtagraf then I can sell it so my sister can stay in Scool. I want to go to Scool here too when I grow up like Halima so maybee you can giv me to awtagraffs?

The Fifty Shades of Bachelorhood
ambatterton lkwaller

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